There’s a difference to be there and being present, one you are physically there and the other you are focused on what the other person is saying and/or doing. Being present is not just about listening to your partner tell you about their day, it’s about engaging in a way that your partner not only sees you are listening but also participating in some way ensuring that they feel heard as well.
On being present
The topic of being present or being mindful, is one that can extend into all sorts of different areas such as you relationship with your intimate partner, sibling, co-worker and dare I say it, boss. There are two other relationships that are so important to practise those with children and ultimately with yourself.
This post will be focused on your intimate relationship, I’ll cover the topic of being mindful with children and yourself at a later date as to bunch them all in together will not only make for a looooong post but also won’t do justice to the each of the different relationships.
In his book, “7 Principles for making a marriage work”, John Gottman talks about how by dedicating 5 hours a week you can make a positive difference to the relationship. He calls it the “The Magic 5 Hours“. When I talk about this with clients, I quite often get looks of surprise, shock & disbelief right through to rolling of the eyes and “yeah right”, I’ve even had “if I give her that then next week she’ll want 10 hours…”. You know, give an inch and they’ll take a mile :).
Well here it is (cut down) ….
- Spend 2 minutes a day before you go to work finding out one thing that’s happening in your partners day. (2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes)
- Spend 20 minutes engaging in a stress reducing conversation at the end of the workday (20 minutes x 5 days = 1hr 40mins)
- Find some way to show genuine appreciation toward your partner (5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)
- Show affection by holding hands, kissing, cuddling, hugging even letting your feet touch while on the couch while watching TV. (5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)
- Find 2 hours a week to have some kind of date, whether that’s going out for a movie, dinner or just a relaxing time together talking about each others dreams, aspirations, goals, what they like etc. Use the time to get to know and understand them (better). It might also just help when the next argument starts. (2 hours once a week).
Grand Total : 5 Hours per week.
Now how you do this & in what order (you know, the actual detail), will be different to other couples, try it out, experiment.
I worked with a couple that had trouble finding time to be together. They got creative and started to have showers together, not one of those steamy, naughty ones 
What’s this got to do with being present ?
Everything.
Every time you have a chat, show affection or appreciation, you are turning towards your partner and saying (in a different way), I care about you, you matter and I’m here for you.
Of course if your way of talking is watching TV while your wife is sharing her day, that’s not going to work because one day she’ll say the Martians have landed and you’ll say “uh huh”. Well guess what, you will have blown all the good work you have done. No surprise there. 
Take the time to look at your partner while they’re talking it’s amazing how it changes the dynamics of the conversation and even the relationship. Maybe it’s about how it shows you’re not being distracted or maybe it’s a sign of respect.
Smartphones and other technology.
Ever been somewhere and one or both parents were on their phones and social media while their children were trying to get their attention ? I watched this happen at the dentist, after repeatedly trying to show the present (but absent) parent the wonderful drawing she drew, the little girl turned around and sat down with a look of disappointment that brought tears to my eyes. I’m not suggesting the parent was a bad parent but the focus was on the wrong thing, the phone and not on the right person.
What does it say to the other person when the phone (and whatever is happening on it) is more important than they are ? Is updating our status on facebook more important than the living, breathing person (that we profess to love) that’s there in front of us? No.
Seriously, if you’re struggling to find time to work on your relationship but have time to checkout your news feed etc, spend 5 minutes putting down the phone and turning toward you partner. Agree that you both leave your phones in another room and focus on each other, be present. It might be uncomfortable but a 5 minute loving, caring, emotionally intimate “moment” will be more rewarding than what most people get from days on the phone.
Smartphones etc are a great way to lose that connection with your partner, not only can they disconnect you from the reality of your relationship but also introduce the temptation to look outside of the relationship for comfort.
Affection & Appreciation
This is something that does need some special mention. When we raise children we seem to find the time to say please, thank you, to acknowledge and show affection to the children. If we can do that for them, what is it that stops us from doing it for others that we love, in particular our partners ?
Some of you may have thought or even yelled at the screen saying things like “Why should I ?”, “C’mon, they’re an adult they don’t need it” and I’m sure even more colourful comments may have been uttered. That’s ok, there is an element of truth to it isn’t there ? Why should I say to my wife things like please and thank you, after all she should be doing it because she wants to, because she loves me. Some of you might even be saying that you do plenty and don’t get any kind of appreciation.
Think about it this way, if/when you are thanked or appreciation has been shown for something you did, if you look at it, at some level, it’s nice maybe really nice, nice enough to put a smile on your face. It feels good to feel appreciated even if it’s only for a few seconds.
Remember, one or two words can make you partner feel appreciated, feel like they matter and even more importantly that you care. Isn’t that worth a breath, a lung full of air to say “Dinner was nice” or “you’ve done something with your hair”.
I have a little bit of homework for you, I promise it will only take a few seconds. Find a time where both of you are not distracted, look into your partners eyes and just say “Thank you”.
Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.