Subjective reality

Simply put, subjective reality is the meaning we assign the experience(s) we have. To put it another way, have you ever had the experience where two (or more) people hear or see the same thing but yet walk away with a different perspective or account of what happened ? I’m guessing yes.

A little about subjective reality

In the series “Lie to Me”, the character Cal Lightman was asked to swear on the bible during a court appearance, that he would tell the truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth. The problem was that he said he couldn’t and here’s what he said :

Cal Lightman : no one can tell the whole truth your honour, I mean it’s subjective, it’s filtered through our own experiences and that’s the real truth.

Judge : How about promising to be honest to the best of your ability ?

I found that scene so relevant for relationships. We experience the same event, the same argument but yet come away with something so different from what our partner did but if we try to be as honest as we can well maybe we can make things better.

Here’s an example, Fred and Jo have an argument about housework and by the end both are so angry they stop talking until they go see their counsellor. When the counsellor asks them to share their individual subjective realities (remember it’s about what meanings they assigned to the event/comments etc) Fred shared that he was being called lazy and Jo said that all she was trying to do was to ask for his help before having friends over.

Now the reality, well that would most probably be somewhere in between but until the argument is talked about in a constructive manner, we will never really know. We won’t know why Fred felt the way he did and why Jo walked away feeling angry and confused.

Before we continue, I think it’s really important that we understand the concept of validation (as opposed to agreeing) when it comes to subjective realities . Validation is about acknowledging that your partner experienced whatever it is that they were feeling or thought was said/done, it’s not about agreeing that it was so. Of course if you can find a way on agreeing then that would be better again :)

So to give an example, Fred felt that Jo was calling him lazy, Jo could fight Fred about the details (Fred being labelled as lazy) or accepting that he felt that way (for whatever reason) and just acknowledge that. So Jo could escalate by saying she never said that he was lazy and how dare he say that or say “I’m sorry you felt/thought that I was calling you lazy”.

Remember Wiios 4th Law of Communication, “The more we communicate, the worse communication  succeeds”. See my post on “and we thought communicating was easy”.

How do we talk about the argument without getting drawn into it (or another) again ? Practice is one part of the equation, the other is looking into what happened, what happened to us and how we can do it differently next time. Gottmans Aftermath of a Fight is a fantastic approach to processing a fight, here’s a summary.

Step 1. Feelings. Share how you felt (but not why yet)

Step 2. Realities. Take turns in describing your own perceptions and subjective reality staying away from blaming or attacking your partner. Remember this is about you talking about what happened for you, not your interpretation of what your partner said or did.

Now validate your partners reality, what this means is find some aspect of what your partner has said and acknowledge it. Show them that you have understood something about their experience.

Remember, validation is not about agreeing, it’s about understanding (even some part of) your partners experience.

If you both feel heard or understood continue on, if not, ask your partner the question, “What do I need to know to understand you perspective better ?”

Step 3. Understanding the Triggers. What were the triggers for you, what was it that escalated or inflamed the situation for you. If you can, share previous experiences, even those from your childhood that were similar to this one. By doing this we start learning about our partners enduring vulnerabilities and in turn have the opportunity to steer clear of them in the future.

Like in step 2, validate your partners experiences.

Step 4. Take Responsibility. Share how you set yourself up for miscommunication, what was going on for you for this to happen ?

Next share what your part was in this regrettable incident and finally apologise for your behaviour.

Step 5. Constructive plans, share one thing you would like your partner to do to make it better next time AND share one thing you will do to make it better next time.

So give this a go, don’t get drawn into the argument again, don’t get stuck on the details, on who was right or wrong, the whole process is really an information gathering process on how we (and our partner) experience things and to find a better way of relating.