Sliding door moments

We all have those moments in a relationship where we can choose to respond in a loving, caring way or a nasty, uncaring or indifferent way. That moment, the one that some people seem to always identify and others struggle to see, it can be the moment that allows the relationship to move in a totally different direction.

 

The movie “Sliding Doors”

In the movie, Sliding Doors, Gwyneth Paltrows character is in essentially two parallel universes, basically showing how her life goes based on whether she caught the train or not. If you haven’t seen it, it’s an entertaining way of getting the concept.

Sliding Door Moments

“Sliding door moments are the seemingly inconsequential everyday moments filled with the words we haphazardly throw back and forth at each other, accompanied by little evanescent pains, frustrations, joys, and laughter, flying through our minds and our hearts, that make or break the most important relationships in our lives.” (Gottman)

 
 
This is a great time to use your 20/20 hindsight, you know, that’s when the “a’s” are most active, the should’a, could’a and would’a. “I/they should’ve handled that differently”, “I/they could’ve said it nicer”, “I/they would’ve done it …”.

Our lives are full of these sliding door moments, whether we’re at home with our loved ones, at work or at the shops, the challenge is whether we (have the capacity to) see the opportunity in front of us so that we can make a choice that will be a positive one for our relationship.

So let’s try some examples ….

John and Mary are having an argument, John says Mary is selfish because she spends the majority of their money on (what John thinks is) meaningless stuff like little knick knacks and gossip magazines.

John is now faced with a sliding door moment, does he continue down the negative, nasty path or does he stop, apologise and change the direction of the argument for the better.

Mary in turn is faced with her own moment, where she could escalate the argument, she could pause and see what John does or maybe respond in a way that does not criticise John for his attack (escalation) but shows him that what he said was hurtful and even ask for him to rephrase it or apologise (or both).

Michelle and Peter are not getting much time together as a couple, with Peters work and volunteering commitments, they never seem to be around at the same time. Michelle confronts Peter accusing him of not wanting to be with her.

Sliding door moments, Michelle could apologise, step back a little and explain to Peter that she is feeling a little isolated and alone and would appreciate it if Peter could find some time for them or escalate the problem by accusing him of having an affair and blaming him for the failing relationship.

Peter on the other hand could retaliate and accuse Michelle of being lazy in the relationship, expecting him to fulfil all her needs while sacrificing all his or tries to listen to what she is trying to say (not the detail but the feelings etc) and respond with love and consideration with the intention of finding a compromise that will enhance the relationship.

So what do we do ?

An oldie but a goodie and not so easy to do sometimes is, the count to 10 trick. Rather than reacting (or responding) from that instantaneous fight/flight mode, try counting to 10 (no not aloud :) ) and give yourself time to identify the sliding door moment and decide where you want to take the discussion. Will it be down the positive path or not ?

If what you are going to say or do is not positive for the relationship, don’t do it.

Arguments are the time where if we have unresolved complaints etc they are bound to come out. Keep on topic don’t bring other stuff in and muddy the water, resolve the argument and find a suitable time, another time to work through the others and remember that sometimes these things have no suitable resolution, in that case and if you can, find the best case scenario if you can’t maybe find a counsellor to help.