What is it with men and marriage counselling ? Why would they rather have their fingernails pulled rather than see someone that might just help keep their marriage alive ?

Well if you’re looking to me for an answer, sorry. Like most things it’s not as simple as that. We’re all individuals and the reasons vary, but what I will do is share some possibilities.

Some reasons

If there’s a “top three reasons” that some men trot out when confronted with that “we need to see a marriage counsellor” statement, (in no specific order) they are most probably:

“There’s nothing wrong…”

“That’s going to cost…”

“What would they know …”

Now I’ll briefly explore each one.

“There’s nothing wrong…”

Well there may be some truth to that. From their perspective, the chances are that they don’t see the relationship is in that much trouble. Of course one persons reality can be quite different to anothers. What they are most probably not hearing is “I’m really worried that the relationship is breaking down and we need to do something about it”.

The Gottman Institute states “the average couple waits 6 years before seeking help for relationship problems. (And keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first 7 years)”.

6 Years !

That’s a long time to put up with unhappiness in your marriage. So by the the time someone says “let’s get help” there’s already A LOT of water under the bridge, a lot of anger, resentment, arguments, silence and the list goes on.

Whether you think (or feel) there’s nothing wrong, listen to your partner, if they’re saying it, go for a checkup it might just save your marriage.

“That’s going to cost…”

Yes it will. I wish I could say it won’t but the reality is it will and longer you leave it more work there is to do.

The alternative is divorce. I could go on about how divorce will cost you more, so I won’t, apart from it’s not only about money, it’s about the important stuff like relationships with your kids and theirs with you (and their extended families).

Find a couples therapist that doesn’t “specialise” in relationships AND anxiety AND depression AND Loss & Grief, marriage counselling is a speciality and needs to be treated as such. Instead, find someone that is trained in marriage counselling and their focus IS relationships IS marriage. The chances are it’ll cost less in the long run.

“What would they know …”

Well good question, at the start, very little. Yes, they know very little, if anything at all about YOUR relationship. That’s why they need to be specifically trained to assess the relationship as well as work out where both of you are in the relationship.

Once they have a better understanding of where things are at, then their skill and knowledge (some may say wisdom) comes into play. To be able to work with couples takes a particular kind of therapist it uses different skills and sometimes techniques than that of individual counselling.

While I’m on this point I want to mention how important it is to accept that whilst you may be looking for answers, some inner understanding that your partner may not. They may be happy to go to counselling to learn new skills, to understand the difference between being a “provider” to be being a provider of love, affection and understanding or to just “fix what’s broken”. It’s not bad or wrong it’s ok.

Also a good couples therapist (or coach) is about not inserting themselves into a relationship, making themselves almost indispensable. It’s about working with the couple to give them the skills and confidence to handle the conflict, build love and respect, not just in the counselling rooms but more importantly at home, where the real stress of day to day life plays out.

Failure

For many people and for many men failure is not an option. To have a failed marriage can mean they failed at being a husband, they failed at being a dad, they failed at being a father, provider, son in law and the list goes on.

To fail can mean they are weak, no good or even useless. That’s a pretty powerful feeling, to feel useless. To admit that they have failed can be overwhelming and can lead to all sorts of different behaviour. Maybe they are trying (the best they know how) but keep missing the mark. “Failed” again.

The fact that the relationship is breaking down is in no way a reflection of whether one or both people are a failure. It’s really important to remember, no one is a failure.

By learning different ways of communicating, approaching the marriage in a different way, breaking old habits and creating new ones we are breathing new life into the relationship, with time and practice it will become easier.

Andrew Iggleden

Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.