How we say sorry

When our relationships are in difficulty and we really struggle saying anything to our partner, how we say sorry for something we said or did is sometimes more important than the words we use.

Ways to say sorry

Ok. There are ways to apologise and ways not to say sorry, I’ll talk about some of them but before proceeding it would be good to familiarise yourself with Wiios Laws.

1. Do it in a text message.

Yeah, nah. If that’s the only way that you can do it then I guess it’s the best way but usually there are better ways. When it comes to intimate relationships, I have found that texting anything that is negative (or could be taken the wrong way) is fraught with danger. Why ? What happens if they don’t respond in kind, in time or at all? Is that going to have a negative affect on you ? The chances are yes.

Think about this, you send an apology but miss saying something important, don’t address an important part of why you are apologising, a text doesn’t convey your non verbal cues (body language) and certainly won’t convey theirs thereby potentially missing the opportunity to make the apology even better or worse, missing the opportunity to repair any damage or hurt caused by the text.

Whilst texting alone may not be the best option, texting an apology to compliment more effective methods (face to face or verbally) is a way more effective way to get your sincerity across.

Having said texting is not the “best way” to communicate, texting loving things like “Love you”, “Missing you” etc is a wonderful way to share what you’re feeling about your partner at the time. If you happen to find that’s hard to do sometimes, just do it anyway, you might be surprised with the outcome.

2. Do it in an email/letter.

For some people this is a great way to do it, they can articulate what happened for them, why it happened then of course the apology. This can be effective for those that prefer to read than hear or those that get all confused and tongue tied and just dig a bigger hole for themselves.

Seriously, have you ever been in a conversation with someone and walked away with no idea what just happened and how it went so terribly wrong ? How did you feel or how do you think the other person felt afterwards if they felt that way ? Did the experience make you want to go back and do it again or less likely to expose yourself to more grief ?

Writing gives you the ability to write what you want to say, leave it a while, go back and change it to what you need to say. There’s a big difference between what we want to say and what we need to say. It’s also a good idea to clarify what you are feeling and to work through your own stuff at the same time.

3. Say it (with love)

I believe that in most cases, saying it (in person) is by far the most effective way of saying sorry. By phone works too but the phone cannot convey the associated body language, after all you may be saying you’re sorry while playing an online game, where’s the sincerity in that ?

Some people believe that you must know why you are apologising otherwise there’s no point is apologising. Yep, great in theory but does it work in practice ? Let’s look at a couple where he has messed up, doesn’t know what he did/said wrong but apologises anyway. She doesn’t accept the apology because he doesn’t know why, leaving him even more at a loss. What’s more likely ? He goes off spends the next 15 minutes racking his brain or just cops the pain and moves on ?

Let’s take it one step further, what if they really don’t know what they did wrong, for whatever reason, they truly don’t know what they did wrong are you going to hold onto that anger forever ?

Here’s a different perspective. First and foremost, apologise for the hurt you caused. After all it was your behaviour, take responsibility for your stuff. Apologise for calling them names, denigrating/putting them down etc. Do it as soon as possible and don’t justify your actions, that’s like putting soothing ointment on then wiping it straight off. Remember, the point of the apology is to repair the damage, not to make excuses.

While we’re here, let’s talk about how to say it. I like to keep it simple, so which one do you think would work best ?

“I’m sorry” (acknowledgement of doing something wrong)

“I’m sorry for calling you lazy” (acknowledgement of the action)

“I’m sorry for calling you lazy, that was mean and insensitive” (acknowledgement of the action in more detail)

Remember, these are just words, each one an improvement of the ones before but without appropriate tone (how you say it) and body language it can be pointless. Make sure what you say matches how you say it and how you show it. Not sure about tone, think about it like attitude, you know the attitude some teenagers give their parents ? Well tone is part of that attitude, sometimes it’s not what they say it’s how they say it.

Ok, some of you may be thinking well the third example is acknowledging what they did wrong. Absolutely, if that’s all it was about, great. In the aftermath, we quite often find ourselves trying to deal with what was said and/or done during the argument and less time about what the argument was about.

Now that we’ve apologised for the pain, we can start having a conversation about what happened and how we could avoid it happening again. Once again take responsibility for your stuff and stay clear of finger pointing. If we can repair the damage done during the argument then we are more likely to be able to tackle the issue(s) that led to the argument.

Remember, arguing is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s how you argue that’s the problem. Disagree, do it with passion (if need be) but don’t put them down, call them names or be nasty. Disagree with love, respect, compassion and empathy.

“When all we do is accuse the one we love of misdeeds and character flaws, when we lay blame at every turn, we thwart the very goal we aspire to: to change our partners. Finding fault and exaggerating the human frailties we’ve identified in this person most dear to us only discourages cooperation and exhausts goodwill toward us” – “Reconcilable Differences” – Andrew Christensen PhD & Neil S. Jacobson PhD

Andrew Iggleden

Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.