Are you one of the masters of relationships ?

John Gottman (author of 7 Principles of making a marriage work) describes masters of relationships as kind, generous, affectionate, sense of humour, having perspective, considerate of their partners feelings, communicating and repair those times they hurt their partners.

Gottmans work suggests “only 31% of couples’ major areas of continuing disagreement were about resolvable issues. 69% of the time they were about unresolvable perpetual problems”. So how you manage these problems is crucial for the longevity of your relationship?

So how can we be masters of relationships ?

Well there are some things we can do to help minimise the chances of us getting drawn into full blown arguments or help repair any damage done. Here are some suggestions.

How you start a conversation impacts how it progresses (and sometimes dictates how it ends). So if you want a conversation to go well it’s more likely to go that way if you use a soft start up rather than a harsh one.

Let’s look at how not to start a conversation. “I’m really pissed off at you because you do nothing around the place and I’ve had enough”. I don’t know about you but if my wife started like that I wouldn’t be too receptive. I’d feel attacked, criticised and would most probably be defensive. Not a good start.

Maybe it would be better saying, “I’ve been feeling really tired and overwhelmed lately and I was wondering if I could get some time with you to talk about it ?”. I wouldn’t feel attacked, criticised or be defensive, I’d more likely be in a “how can I help” mode.

Now ladies, Gottmans studies show that it’s really important that you use this skill because it’s usually women (in heterosexual relationships) that initiate these kind of conversations. Oh and that’s not an excuse for you guys not to do it either. :)

Letting yourself be influenced by your partner (rather than pushing or fighting back) is another skill/trait the masters have. Rather than sticking to our way of doing things, why not cooperate or compromise a little, it can help. Guys, this is more important for you to do than the ladies, but once again no excuse to not do it ladies. :)

Repairing the damage is extremely important in a relationship and that doesn’t mean you come back a week later to say “I could’ve handled that better”.

When we say something that hurts our partner, we can’t take it back, it’s out there forever. What we can do is reduce the damage done, sort of like putting some soothing ointment on a rash, it makes us feel a little better and hopefully wont leave a scar.

The big one is apologise and acknowledge the pain your partner may be/is feeling. It shows compassion, empathy and a willingness to put their needs at least as high as yours. It’s not about being right it’s about caring for the one you love.

If you say something that didn’t come out right or was misunderstood (see my post about communication), try to rephrase it, like, “I’m sorry that came out wrong, can I explain what I meant ?”.

Gottman has a great repair checklist in his book, 7 Principles of making a marriage work, so it’s worth getting the book (amongst other reasons as well :) ).

De-escalation or diffusion is important to not let the “discussion” turn into an all out, world war kind of conflict. It’s really important that when someone recognises the discussion is escalating in the wrong direction, they need to attempt to defuse or “cool down” the situation. Easier said than done, remember when were emotional logical or rational thinking tends to go out the window. You know, you’re not that nasty person but for some reason you said some nasty and hurtful things.

Remember that these things help, particularly if the relationship is in a reasonably good place, if not then it will be harder to practice.  Another good reason to build on the relationship during good times.