We want to hear that our partner loves us but it’s just not happening. Well maybe they’re speaking a different love language. Gary Chapmans book “The 5 Love Languages” helps us understand the disconnect that sometimes occurs in a relationship and how we can build resilience into it.
What are the 5 Love Languages ?
So, let’s briefly talk about them.
- Words of Affirmation : This language uses words to affirm other people.
- Acts of Service : Actions speak louder than words.
- Receiving Gifts : Makes you feel most loved.
- Quality Time : Giving the other person your undivided attention.
- Physical Touch : Nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
While I’m on that last point…. guys …. notice the word “appropriate”, physical touch isn’t another way of saying touching in a sexual manner, it’s about using touch to show you love them like holding hands, touching their arm in a caring way, letting your foot gently touch theirs while you sit on the couch watching TV or even a non sexual massage (unless it’s asked for). Got it. :)
So what does this mean ?
Things tend to go well when peoples love language match. So when both have Words of Affirmation as a love language, when they want to show they love the other person they say it and the ‘receiver’ will feel it (because theirs is the same).
So what happens when they don’t match ? To put it bluntly, things can go bad, really bad.
I’ll give a personal example. For years, my darling wife would say “I Love You” and for years I would feel nothing special, no warm fuzzy feeling, nothing. Certainly nothing like what she would feel when I managed to say it to her. I just put it down to me being a guy, you know that’s mushy stuff and us men don’t do mushy.
Having said that, when she did something special for me I felt oh I don’t know, loved maybe ? It wasn’t until I read this book that in fact that’s exactly what I was feeling.
So here she was, her native or first love language was Words of Affirmation but when she wanted me to know she loved me she was translating and saying it in the Acts of Service love language so that I felt loved. Perfect ! ….. for me.
In the meantime because Acts of Service was mine, I would do things for her, mostly the traditional things of working stupid hours to show her I loved her. That worked well for me, I’m fulfilling my familial role, that stereotype and all the while she wasn’t feeling as loved.
One of the major shifts in our relationship occurred when I read this book and had a brainstorm, maybe I should translate !!! :) Well all I can say is WOW! What a difference it made for her. Finally she was hearing and feeling that I loved her. Oh and guess what, I was feeling it because by translating I was doing something for her (Act of Service).
So what should I/we do ?
Talk about it with your partner, if they look at you with some sort of “are you crazy ?” look, that’s ok, stick with it. If you have to start translating, it’s amazing how things rub off, be the love language role model in the family.
Not sure what yours is ? I highly recommend you find out, maybe even do it as a couple on a date night, then you can share the results and what they mean for each of you.
Remember, John Gottman (7 Principles for making a marriage work) talks about every positive thing you do in a relationship is a form of foreplay. :)
You can do the online quiz here for husbands and here for wives or alternatively download the quizzes in pdf format for husbands and for wives.
Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.