We all have those moments in a relationship where we can choose to respond in a loving, caring way or a nasty, uncaring or indifferent way. That moment, the one that some people seem to always identify and others struggle to see, it can be the moment that allows the relationship to move in a totally different direction.
Just as there are some behaviours that are positive in a relationship, there are toxic ones. John Gottman PhD in his book “The seven principles for making a marriage work” identifies 4 main behaviours that can cripple, if not destroy a relationship and he calls them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.
As a side note, don’t think that just because it says “marriage” in the title that it doesn’t apply to other relationships, it can and does.
“Boxes ? What do you mean boxes ?” the client said almost yelling at her partner. While she was trying to understand where he was coming from, he was recoiling from the emotional backlash that came from his (what he thought a) seemingly benign comment.
This interaction sent ripples through the relationship. The voracity of his wifes response totally threw him, his immediate reaction was to drop his head like a young boy would do when he was being told off by his mother for bringing mud into the house. Immediately after that he retreated emotionally to avoid further emotional pain.
His wife on the other hand kept coming at him with questions, it was like a verbal barrage, question after question with little or no time to respond. This went on until she finally saw his physical and emotional state and this is when she realised she had done the opposite of what she wanted, her partner to feel safe enough to make himself vulnerable and open up to her, instead in her confusion and frustration he shut down.
When our relationships are in difficulty and we really struggle saying anything to our partner, how we say sorry for something we said or did is sometimes more important than the words we use.
Simply put, subjective reality is the meaning we assign the experience(s) we have. To put it another way, have you ever had the experience where two (or more) people hear or see the same thing but yet walk away with a different perspective or account of what happened ? I’m guessing yes. 
