Ever been in that place where the storm is raging and suddenly the wind goes, the rain stops and it’s almost like its just a beautiful day? Believe it or not we can have those during conflict in our relationships, right when the storm in us is raging at it’s worse, what we do in that brief moment can be what makes or breaks us as a couple.
Eye of the storm
First off let me just talk a little about the storms in us, in our relationship. I like the analogy because that’s the only way I can describe the feeling that sometimes goes on inside of me. Yep, those times I feel sad, frustrated, trapped, a failure and it all gets whirled around, stirred up and turned into a right royal mess.
Maybe you’ve never experienced that and if that’s true count yourself lucky, lucky that you haven’t experienced the fear that can be felt during those times. Maybe you have your own version of my storm, more or less intense but still a time where emotionally you become unsettled or like a boat at sea, no longer that stable platform you’re used to.
So now that you’ve got an idea of that time and place where things are going off, a right royal mess inside. Now imagine a time, a (very) brief moment where you catch yourself thinking or feeling something that’s not the anger or pain, it’s like your mind has pushed aside that “messiness” and there’s a break in the weather, that’s the eye of the storm that I’m talking about.
People can describe it in all sorts of ways. It could be the sea parting, a break in the weather, that rational part of us getting some “air time”, no matter how it’s described, let’s settle on “a moment of clarity”.
That moment may present itself as “I know what I have to do” or just like the eye of the storm a temporary lull in what’s going on inside. Now at that very moment, like we do other times of our lives, we have an opportunity, a time where we can change course or just keep paddling to the rocks or what it feels like sometimes, a waterfall.
What to do about it.
There are times in a session where a couple may be having an emotionally charged conversation (the clouds are building) when one or both begin flooding (the storm has started to rage). As that conversation goes on sometimes I see something, it’s hard to explain or see, but it’s like someone has just had a thought, something that’s created a pause, made them hesitate, not hesitate in a way like “I shouldn’t say this” but like there’s another conversation going on that some part of their mind is listening to.
Sometimes it’s really obvious its what I call the “deer in the headlights look”.
Imagine a deer is in the middle of the road at night and a car comes around the bend, headlights beaming straight at the deer. The poor old deer turns, stares at the oncoming light… There it is, at that moment the deer can stay where it is, staring at the lights until it’s demise or it can seize the moment, the opportunity and change the outcome.
When we become aware of those moments during conflict, we are being presented with an opportunity to change direction. Sometimes we don’t see them, that’s why having “time outs” are so important because they act as circuit breakers and gives us time to let that inner storm pass.
Carpe Diem
The trick is that when we notice a break, that eye of the storm, we need to not just seize the day but seize the moment.
It could be to call that time out, that’s certainly a good thing to do. Or we can change tack and use the opportunity to stop sounding critical or being defensive and start telling our partner what we’re feeling, what is really upsetting us, or even to say “I’m sorry, I’m not angry at you/you’re not the problem/I don’t want to fight, I’m struggling with …”.
During one moving session a couple were “going at it” (that was their definition of conflict) and that brief moment appeared for him, you could see the deer for a fraction of a second. He reached out putting his hand on her knee, looked at her and said “it’s just we’re both so time poor and I feel like you’d rather spend that free time with friends instead of me. I guess I’ve been letting the anger out on you, I”m sorry”.
He recognised the moment, found the courage to expose himself emotionally (which can feel like taking your armour off in front of your enemy) and shared what he was feeling (and not the anger). A wonderful moment.
Don’t let the anger and pain steal the opportunity you have to have a long, loving and fulfilling life together.
Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.