Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Just as there are some behaviours that are positive in a relationship, there are toxic ones. John Gottman PhD in his book “The seven principles for making a marriage work” identifies 4 main behaviours that can cripple, if not destroy a relationship and he calls them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.

As a side note, don’t think that just because it says “marriage” in the title that it doesn’t apply to other relationships, it can and does.

Before we start

It’s important to remember that there are more than 4 types of behaviour that can permanently damage a marriage (or relationship) and send the couple hurtling to a counsellor/therapist or to a complete breakdown leaving a once loving and caring relationship in tatters.

This post will focus on specifically four behaviours so that you will be able to identify them quickly and hopefully find better ways of doing things.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse

John Gottman talks about the four horsemen as the behaviours that contribute to couples feeling disconnected, isolated and distant which when not dealt with can increase the chances of the relationship breaking down and of course potentially leading to separation/divorce.

Criticism

We quite often think we a complaining but in fact the chances are we are criticising. There’s a distinct difference between the two, complaining is about how or what your partner did or didn’t do. Pretty straight forward, “John didn’t put the rubbish out”, Mary didn’t ask how Johns day was, “Peter spent too much money, Michelle doesn’t pick up after herself.

Criticism is more personal, it says something negative about their personality or character. It’s “playing the man, not the ball” or it’s more about the sinner and not the sin. So here are some examples of criticism of the couples above. “John’s lazy because he never puts the rubbish out”, “Mary’s uncaring because she didn’t ask how Johns day was”, “Peters so selfish because he spent more than he should’ve” and “Michelle doesn’t pick up after herself, she’s such a slob”.

See the difference ? As soon as we label the person we’re in criticising mode, maybe it’s more about putting them down than the complaint.

Just a little reminder, part of emotional abuse is to belittle or put your partner down, call them names etc.  If you find this kind of behaviour is in the relationship, seek assistance to stop it or if need be remove yourself (and the kids) from the abuse.

Defensiveness

Simply put “I’m not the problem, you are !”

“You call ME lazy ?? What about you leaving dishes on the bench !?”

“I might be late but you’re never around !”

Whilst we think that defending our behaviour etc is the right approach, quite often it doesn’t get anywhere near achieving the desired result, quite often it’s taken as a provocation or “just” escalates the argument even further.

Let’s take a quick look at how people see the difference between a reason and an excuse. A definition of reason is “a statement or fact that explains why something is the way it is, why someone does, thinks, or says something, or why someone behaves a certain way*“. So when I appear defensive, maybe I’m trying to give you a reason as to why I behaved that way (rightly or wrongly).

One definition of excuse is “a reason that you give to explain a mistake, bad behavior, etc.^**“. Oh wait, does that sort of sound like what I said before ? It’s a way to explain why I behaved that way, isn’t it ?

No not really, but in the middle of an argument reasons sound more like excuses (but then again sometimes they are just excuses) and that’s why defensiveness tends to escalate arguments. Nobody wants to hear excuses especially when they’re cranky but to have a conversation (when things have settled down a bit) about as to why things happened is a good thing, if done properly, it helps to understand each other better and maybe learn from the experience.

One last thing on defensiveness, how can we truly hear what our partner is trying to say if we are busy blaming them ?

Contempt

While we’re on dictionary definitions, contempt is “a feeling that someone or something is not worthy of any respect or approval^*“. For me the most hurtful part of that definition are three words “..is not worthy..”, in a world where low self-esteem is so prevalent, to show contempt to your partner is saying (not only) do I not respect you but you are not worthy. How hurtful is that ?

Contempt is a range of behaviours such as sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, accusation, sneering, mockery, hostile humour etc. It’s also body language that sends a message similar to those above but can also be like rolling of the eyes, sighing, brushing them away etc.

Contempt often has this undertone of despising or loathing your partner or devaluing their opinion, feelings or even them.

Once again, contempt cuts deep.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is all about tuning out, disengaging or withdrawing. Something else quite often happens and that is there is high physiological arousal (heart rate, blood pressure can increase etc) as well as self soothing thoughts like “What did I do to deserve this ?” etc.

Of course what appears to be stonewalling could also be a coping mechanism to try to not explode or even that they don’t have the skills to deal with what is confronting them.

Some things to think about

Men are more likely to stonewall and withdraw and women are more likely to criticise.

When it comes to stonewalling, men quite often become flooded quicker than women. That is to say they are overwhelmed with the contempt, criticism or defensiveness of their partner that they withdraw in an effort to avoid the “onslaught”.

Avoidance is not a good long-term strategy. It’s not whether you argue it’s how you argue. Yes there are good and bad ways to argue.

When 7,000 people were asked this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said “disrespected.”  72% of the women said, “unloved.”^*

Have a look at this post and see if there’s anything you may be doing that is contributing to your partners anxiety or shame.

Andrew Iggleden

Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.