Forgiveness has many meanings to people, it’s one of the easiest things to say we’ll do but in reality sometimes forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do.
I’d like to talk a little about what forgiveness is and is not so that it might give someone some relief especially after an affair/betrayal.
What forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not about excusing, condoning or saying that, whatever the behaviour was, was OK. It’s not that. 
It doesn’t let them off the hook, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have to earn your trust and/or respect back and certainly doesn’t give them the permission to do it again.
What forgiveness is.
In a nutshell, it’s about letting go. Some of my clients talk about letting go of the pain, others to stop letting the offender control or influence their life in a negative way or even releasing that negative energy that needs to be used to maintain that anger etc.
When we forgive, our aim is to no longer allow their behaviour dictate ours but to move forward to continue working on our own personal healing and growth. By this I mean we relinquish the need to hold grudges, to punish or to get even somehow. These behaviours sap our energy, can turn a positive experience into an unpleasant one or even make us behave in a way that conflicts with our values.
Why forgive ?
Here’s the interesting thing, you don’t need forgiveness to move on, sometimes we just move on, other times we “forgive” without saying it or even being aware of it but then sometimes it’s something we just can’t say but do.
For some people, saying the words to the offender is not possible but that doesn’t mean we can’t forgive but not say it to them. It’s not the perfect solution but sure is a great start, after all we are starting to let go.
Every one in a while a client (after some work etc) will describe the feeling they had after forgiving the offender as peace. A feeling of being at peace, something they say was absent throughout the whole process. Liberating would be another.
So what do we do ?
I like to look at it as a process
- Personal healing
- Work on repairing the relationship
- Rebuild trust
- Forgiveness
Of course, sometimes there is no chance for the second and third points to happen, but then again, maybe rather than working on that particular relationship it’s about working on another or begin to trust yourself.
On a final note, remember that there is someone else that sometimes needs forgiveness, YOU.
Andrew is a Couples Coach in his private practice, Kardinya Counselling located in Werribee & Point Cook, Victoria. After working in the IT industry for 15 years, he started following his passion of helping couples find a better way of relating.